Suffering has been one of the primary instruments of my conversion. It was a conversion from being lukewarm to being set on fire. It did not happen smoothly, and several years of resistance blocked all that Our Lord was trying to accomplish. Yet Our Lord would finally see his stubborn child give way and accept the love He wanted to give. The suffering and disability which seemed so hard to understand became a treasured gift. It was an armor of humility, for the soul was in great need of protection because she thought she was rather strong on her own, and the gift helped her to see through the lens of truth, which clearly showed that she, along with all souls, are utterly dependent on God for everything.

Three episodes of intense pain were of particular benefit to the soul who learned yet more about the love of God and His thirst for souls. The first experience began during a vigil at church following Holy Thursday Mass. While in prayer, she began to feel very sick. On the morning of Good Friday, she became worse and took some medication advised by her physician. This was given in the event she should feel like a flu was coming on because of her already precarious health as a result of a genetic disability. The medication, however, caused severe retching, which compounded the already painful situation of fever, chills, and body aches. Sitting in her little home chapel, she knew she could not go to the Good Friday Service. Instead, from noon until three she sat, not sure how she would survive yet one more minute. She did not seek relief from the pain in her prayers, yet how could she manage? It was at this time that her ten-year-old son came to sit with her. She knew her little son loved her, and his quiet presence changed everything. As long as he sat with her, she could manage. It gave her incredible strength and consolation. Each minute was faced and conquered as if it were an individual battle to be waged and won. Each one, mother and son, lit a candle. Both were silent; they were in vigil. It was then that the mother began to understand Our Lord’s Passion. He had brought her to the Cross and opened her heart to see how a soul’s quiet presence can be an incredible consolation. The soul understood and kept those two candles, now a puddle of wax, as a reminder.

Yet, as He often does, Our Lord would not teach the soul this lesson only once; He would revisit this lesson two more times. The second occasion occurred in a car coming home from a special evening of Mass and the Rosary. When the mother entered the car, she had a headache, but almost immediately the pain in her body intensified to include not only her head but also other parts of her body with intense pain in her legs. She felt trapped by the pain during the entire two-hour drive home. When her husband asked if they should pull over, she responded, “No, keep going.” She knew she just wanted to get home. Again her son was with her, and he sat behind her. Those in the car could see something intense was happening with their mother, but what could one do? The youngest child, the one who had previously sat vigil with his mom, also recognized the similarity to the prior event and assured his mom he was with her. He sat behind her and occasionally would raise a hand to touch her shoulder. It was at this event that the soul suffering began to see how time can bend. A day of preparation for a festive dinner can pass with a blink of an eye, and all can wonder where the time went as there was so much to do yet so little time. Yet in moments of intense pain, trapped in a car when all you want is to be home, time seems drawn out. One can watch the clock hold on to a minute for what seems like an hour. How can time pass so slowly? This is a mystery but one that a soul glimpses when Our Lord invites the soul into an intense experience of pain. The soul can wonder, When will the pain end? And just as rapidly as it began, it was over as the car pulled into the driveway and the mother stepped out of the car. It was a lesson, to be sure.

The Teacher did not take a chance that the lesson was not yet learned, and on a third occasion He sought to reinforce the prior experiences. This last experience was one that occurred in the bedroom. The soul was suffering intensely, and the youngest child came in to keep vigil with his mother. It was evening. The boy could have been busy in his room, but he put all the business of his life aside to sit quietly with his mother. To be sure, the boy’s mind was wandering to different things in his life. This was not important to his mother. What was important was that he had made a choice to put aside his things to be with her. Oh, what a consolation! It cannot be overstated how much the boy’s presence meant to his mother. Surely his mother’s love for him was welling up and overflowing during all three of these experiences. Yet his mother rarely spoke. She too was silent. To someone watching, it would seem little was happening between the two souls. The boy also may not have even realized how much was taking place. But the soul suffering was very much aware of the intense exchange.